Follow the rules and no one gets hurt

The Secret Bitch's Rules of Pregnancy:

1. All drinks must be ice cold. Especially water. Do not try to pass off that lukewarm liquid as drinkable or you'll end up very wet.

2. Do not ask me to remember anything that happened earlier than one hour ago. Chances are I probably won't.

3. Do not steal my Jolly Ranchers. I need them. If you want one, you may have your pick of the apple and watermelon flavors. If I catch you stealing any other flavor, the consequences will be severe.

4. If you ask what I want to eat, be prepared for either a definitive answer that is completely inflexible or the response of "Nothing sounds good." Do not argue with me and do not make food suggestions. Chances are good you'll only make things worse.

5. Don't judge me for not exercising. I'm just now getting to the point where the thought of going for a walk doesn't make me nauseous.

6. Don't judge my eating habits. Normally I am a healthy eater, but some days the only food that doesn't nauseate me is a pop tart or a donut. My sugar tolerance has improved greatly. My stamina has not.

7. Be prepared for me to use up all the tissues and don't complain about it. I'm stuffy all the time. When I'm not stuffy, I'm sneezy and runny. Deal with it.

8. The room's temperature and air flow is never right. Don't be surprised to see me turning fans on and off. At your house. Don't complain. If you're cold, put on a jacket.

9. The air conditioning must be turned on the second I get in the car. I cannot tolerate being hot. Don't question it and don't hesitate.

10. I also can't tolerate being hungry or having to pee. If I don't get relief pretty soon things start to go downhill. Make a note.

11. Don't smoke around me. Period.

12. Please don't touch my stomach. I don't have a belly yet, and you can't feel anything. I can't even feel anything, what makes you think you're so special? Have you ever heard of boundaries?

13. Be prepared to hear me curse more than you're used to. It doesn't take much to irritate me, and I don't hold back as much as usual. Some have found this to be quite entertaining. Others have found it to be fairly offensive.

14. Don't call me lazy for sleeping in. I need all the rest I can get, and I'm not going to feel bad about it. See 13 if you insist on being persistent.

15. I'm not going to make it to everything I'm invited to. I have gotten much more stringent about choosing my priorities. It's out of necessity so I can decrease my stress level, it's nothing personal. Don't whine or cry about it, at least not to me.

16. Yes, we have chosen names, and no, we are not going to change them. And if you don't like them, keep it to yourself. We frankly don't give a damn.

17. Just because I complain does not mean I'm not thrilled to be expecting. In case you haven't heard, pregnancy pretty much sucks. The end result is worth it, but until then, Suck City.

18. Don't ask me whether I want a boy or girl. That's a stupid question. I can't control it, and I will be happy with whichever I end up with. That will always be my answer. Don't make me repeat it.

19. I am not willing to travel very far. I am nauseous enough without adding car sickness to the mix.

20. If I seem irritable, upset, tired, etc, don't ask me what's wrong. Hello, I'm pregnant, there doesn't need to be anything else wrong!

Rules are subject to multiply without warning.